Numero Uno

I'm supposed to be studying.

Hey. I'm Ashleigh. 19 and from New Zealand.

Yeah so I have insane exams coming up for uni, and I should be doing that. Instead i'm trawling the internet for dirt on people.

Context: second year university student. Cynical. Disappointed with life. Wondering what I should do.

My best friend is in Europe atm, and loving it. I sit in lecture theatres and watch the days waste away. Its pretty hard to see where the yin of my yang is in this little ezistance.

I miss my boyfriend, who I always think has no time for me. Mostly unfoundered, but the attention whore persona is dominant today.

Today is a Sunday. Mother is being quiet. It is unusual. Father is watching cars drive around a track in circles. Something of this exercise reminds me of a goldfish in a bowl, losing its memory every 60 seconds and then doing the circuit again. Says something about the male psyche, or perhaps just my father's. I hink boyfriend is doing the same, although with a group of other males, sitting in the sercurity of knowing other males enjoy watching boxes on wheels go around a track.

My boyfriend lives away from me, goes to a different uni. i pretty much hate it. I see him in sporatic moments where we smile and giggle and playfight and then real-fight because im a firey sag girl and thats what I do. I want to be with him full time, although its a nagging reality that my percpetion of perfect picket fences and happiness will end in stress, isolation, loneliness, bitterness about fucking up my degree to move, and us both taking each oter for granted.

Unfortunately he's pretty awesome and I love him and I don't want to diffuse the confusion by ending it. He makes me happy, when i'm not depressed about the whole situation.

lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove loses its potency once its tossed around too many times. it just becomes a monosyllable of incorrect grammar usage. It has become a noun, Love. I Love him. He Loves me. Its not the act of loving, its like a name of some intangible thing we share. Does he verb love me? I hope so.

I'm 19. Sheltered. Love with my parents. in my fourteenth year of studying, with another three years plus to go. I haven't seen the world. I no longer drink, and don't smoke. I'm not relgious, although hopeful of a greater spiritual existance. I love my good friends, there aren't that many. I've never been in the 'popular' clique, and am not really sure i'd like to be, it seems so plastic.

I have big dreams of success, wealth, personal career satisfaction, 2 children who don't leave me with saggy boody and chubbly tummy, an aweosme husband I know was meant for me, a nice house

and happiness. Happiness. I don't want to die with regret.